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What you do is you start a bank, then by sleight of hand you convince everyone that while you only have 10 units of coin in your coffers y...

Monday, October 25, 2010

flats and tubulars

There are two types: one has a “tubular” appendage suspended between the legs; as distinguished by the “flat” surface in the same area of the other. Interaction between them is erratic, often volatile, at times deadly. But in all cases the types interlock limbs at one point and do a kind dance that ends in a crescendo of cries and leaves both entities defunct for up to several minutes depending on the stamina and age of the entities. This interlocking is rarely discussed, which is curious because it is encouraged broadly: there are visuals everywhere, sir, on billboards and monitors, on street corners and transit corridors. I must add – as a medical curiosity, sir – that I experienced uncommon titillations once or twice in the presence of a flat. The tubulars somehow leave me cold.

Enough. Case-specifics, sergeant!

The entity in question goes by the appellation Lui Labas. He is below average in weight and muscle mass. We were not able to gauge his intellectual capacity.

Why not?

In the absence of specific testing, sir, we are unable to determine whether he is a genius or a driveling retard. We suspect the latter. We caught him on a rooftop, pissing down a drainpipe downtown Frankfurt – that’s Germany, sir, the theater of that bestial war I mentioned last time.

Oh yes, the sputtering officer with the moustache.


Sir, I think I should tell you, we may be wasting our time. The spectrum among these entities is wide. I’m not sure this Labas is representative material.

What makes you think so?

His displacements seem completely aimless – he behaves like a decoy – and more to the point, it seems his utterances are aimless too. We have noted frequent rolling of eye-orbs in his interlocutors, and our sources have told us that this is a way to indicate that what is being said is “total fucking nonsense” and “to cease forthwith”.

Circumstantial, sergeant. Get more evidence. Now, what of his companion?

Entity Labas has been in the company of a tubular who goes by the appellation Shitbird – not a name, as such, but a compound of terms. To wit: “excrement” and “winged creature of flight”.

They have animals that fly?


His companion can fly?

No sir, he is named after such a creature.

What of this “excrement” business, then?

Unclear, sir.

Strange fucking peoples.


Come back when you know more… Oh, and sergeant, get some footage on this “interlocking of limbs” – flats and tubulars – I am curious as to these titillations.